First Date Advice

First Date Advice

Reader's Comment

Hi,

I'm 42 years old and I'm a bald, average, confident guy. After 24 years of marriage and being recently divorced, I'm thoroughly confused about dating and what women want.  I bought another dating book and was even more scared to do any of its suggestions. Then I bought your course, and coupled with watching the players in clubs, I knew Cocky & Funny was the answer. I used it successfully on over nine women, all resulting in them wanting much, much more than I was willing to give. They all call from time to time for fun!

Here is where I have the problem and it might help others trying for this type of relationship. I am single, and love my space and I want to have fun for a while and eventually marry again. I'm looking for her and it takes a while to see if she is "her." I get them hooked way too fast, and I'm not trying to do that. This is how it works out: Women are attracted to Cocky & Funny. They want fun and excitement; I think I know why they want the Funny part; for the fun things to do in life (too many boring guys out there), and the Cocky part piques their inner flames to what could happen as far as passion is concerned. And, when you are passionate with them, you have to be a Leader and show them you're a bad a boy -- as much as they can handle anyways. 

This has, in all instances so far, led them to call me and pursue me the next day and weeks after. They want a far deeper relationship. They want Cocky & Funny in their lives. These are not clingy people (7 to 9s; 24 to 44 years old) and profess to want to be friends first. E-mail is great as it has a way of helping them say things they wished they could say in person. Do you have any wisdom on how to do Cocky & Funny and not hit all of her senses?

Thanks Again

- J.

Response

You poor, poor dear. Sounds tough, really.

I think you're doing fine. You're on the right track, and I think that you're going to find an outstanding woman to have a long-term relationship with.

I personally think that the problem isn't the techniques you're using, it's that you're now seeing that you can choose a woman, rather than having her choose you -- and it's making you far more selective than you were in the past.

When you're seeing several attractive women at the same time, you begin to realize that you can have whatever you want. You no longer have to settle.

This has the effect of making you a lot pickier about what you'll tolerate -- and it makes you see negatives a lot more clearly in women.

Again, I think you're doing fine. Just stick with it and you'll find a great woman to marry again, if that's what you want.

TMS

Reader's Comment

Hi,

I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog -- very enlightening. I've always found myself attracting girls I'm not romantically interested in, while crashing and burning with the hotties. It was very confusing until I read your book. I realize now that I was a Wuss with the hotties by being a typical "nice guy," and that the more I acted indifferent with the girls I didn't like, the more they ate it up. You gave me a new perspective on what makes attraction work, and I'm glad to see that your book pointed out that you don't have to be a jerk to be successful.

My game has improved but it still requires some refining. Lately, I find I'm stalling out between the first and second date. So I'm wondering if I'm screwing up the date itself or the follow-through. Here are the steps I take after a date:

1. I call within two days to say I had a good time and basically make contact. I end the conversation first, and let her know I'll give her a shout in a couple of days -- just so I don't seem like I'm rushing into a second date.
2. I let two or three days pass and call to make arrangements for a second date. At this point I usually get a vague answer like: "Let's set something up for next week." And then it never happens.

Where is this falling apart, and what kind of follow-through do you use?

Thanks for the help,

-SF

Response

I'm going to have to guess at a few things, but I'll give it a shot.

From the sounds of it, you need to:

1. Stop with the "I had a good time" type comments when you call for a follow-up. You might experiment with waiting longer to call -- or waiting less time to call. See what works best for you. But don't be so "nice."
2. Do more things to make your date feel attraction. Use what you've learned to really turn the dial up. You might test progressing further on the first date -- maybe start getting physical more quickly.
3. Make sure you keep her laughing, and keep busting on her and treating her like a "friend" at first. Remember the idea of acting like she's your Bratty Little Sister.
   

It sounds like you're doing something on those first dates that's making the women resistant to seeing you again -- you need to figure out what it is and stop it.

TMS

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Killing The Mood

Killing The Mood

For all the guys out there who think women play mind games when it comes to sex -- first they are into you, and the next second they’re not -- consider this: it may not be them, it could be you. If you have had a good date, are into a decent makeout session and all of a sudden your girl has to "get up early" and heads home, you may have inadvertently ruined the mood.

Here are the top 10 ways guys ruin the mood.

No.10 - Bad music

As you dim the lights and turn on a little mood music, choose the tunes carefully. Music relays a message about where the night is headed. Avoid anything too girly (Madonna, Avril Lavigne, Miley Cyrus) and steer clear of the clichés ("Let’s Get It On," "Sexual Healing," "I Wanna Sex You Up"). While rock music can make sex exciting, "Smack My Bitch Up" and anything by Nine Inch Nails should not be used on a first date.

No.9 - Answering the phone

Do not, under any circumstances, stop a make-out session to answer the phone. In fact, if you go back to your place at the end of a date, turn your phone off. Interruptions can really put a damper on things, and if it is your mom calling, your girl is probably putting on her jacket already.

No.8 - Groping

You should have left messy groping behind in the 10th grade. Simply grabbing at her boobs with your tongue hanging out won’t cut it. By now, you should know what to do. Moving randomly from body part to body part is confusing and never gives your girl a chance to get into it. Move slowly from one body part to the next -- lightly touching at first, then with more passion.

No.7 - Begging

A girl most likely makes up her mind before the date regarding how far she is willing to go, but you do have a chance to change her mind. At the end of the night, give her a good kiss that takes her breath away. This is when she might reconsider going home with you. If she still isn’t interested, do not whine or beg. If you beg, you will never get a second chance --ever.

No.6 - Being selfish

It takes time to get a woman going. She needs kissing, touching, caressing, and more than two minutes to reach orgasm. If you have moved past the make-out stage and the clothes are coming off, take time to focus on her. If you aren’t satisfying her, she could get frustrated (or bored) and call it a night.

No.5 - Bad kissing

It doesn’t matter how hot a guy is, if he can’t kiss, he isn’t going past first base. When you lean in for the first end-of-the-date kiss, remember to control your tongue. Don’t lick her teeth, chin, cheeks, forehead, etc., and try not to stick it down her throat.

No.4 - Bad conversation

Giving a little verbal praise is always appreciated, but too many “Oh babys” can really kill the mood. Going over-the-top with chatter comes across as fake and forced. Just be natural. If things are really heating up, don’t ask too many questions: “Do you like it when I kiss you?” “Does my hand feel good there?” You shouldn’t have to ask; her reactions will tell you if you are doing a good job.

No.3 - Heading straight for home

You can’t cross the plate without making stops at first, second and third. Do not hand her a glass of wine, turn on some music, lower the lights and then stick your hand in her pants.

No.2 - Asking for permission

Most girls like a man who knows how to take charge, so when you ask for permission every step of the way you come across as a wimp. Asking; “Can I kiss you?” at the end of a date, or “Is this OK?” when kissing comes across as weak. You might as well ask: “Can I grow a pair?” Assess the situation; if she's really into it, man up and take the plunge.

No.1 - Managing her moves

Newsflash: Girls know you want them to touch your penis. If you are making out at home, 20 minutes have passed, and she still has not made a grab for the crotch area, chances are, she isn’t going to. Therefore, do not pull her hand toward your genitals, and do not grab the back of her head and push her down. Women are not stupid, and after the head grab she will most likely blow you off -- and not in the way you had hoped.

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Single Parents : Dating Do's & Dont's

Single Parents : Dating Do's & Dont's

 

Congratulations! You, the Renaissance single father, met a fabulous single mom. The coffee date -- with all that smiling and laughing at each other’s jokes -- was a supreme success. Then you went to a movie together and were turned on by the fact that you both like extra butter on your popcorn. Finally, you both took the giant risk of chewing food together over a dazzling new white tablecloth and she loved the way you took control of the wine list.

As you are two single parents who know a lot about how to make the most of your time, your date immediately accepted your invitation to “come visit” after dinner. You didn’t even have to come up with a reason, such as, “I have this great collection of African masks.” As a single parent you’ve learned the value of getting right to the point and, as such, you had no problem with simply being honest and asking her if she’d like to come in. She accepted your straight-forward invitation -- the ultimate turn-on for a woman is honesty -- and now you know that you’re going to have sex.

Just as the single-parent lifestyle is different from the regular singles lifestyle, so are the dos and don’ts of single-parent sex.

Here is my list of recommendations.

Don’t: Assume she’s a desperate single mom.

Do: Assume she needs you to go slowly.

Women are better at certain things than men are, and turning off the “sex tap” is one of them. I’ve heard of women who have turned this tap off not for months, but for years. The last thing she wants is for you to come on like gangbusters and not consider that she might need to start slowly. Just because she agreed to have sex with you doesn’t mean she agreed to rush it.

You have everything to gain by being patient and letting her take the lead. You have everything to lose by showing her from the get-go that you’re not tuned into her body rhythm and that you don’t care about her feelings.

Don’t: Assume she wants to hear about your ex.

Do: Assume she wants to be the only woman in your mind.

Even though you both have exes, the bedroom is no place to discuss past angst. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you will turn her on by mentioning your ex in a less-than-positive light. She only wants to know that, at that moment, in your bed, you only have one woman on your mind -- her! In fact, she wants to feel like she’s the first woman to ever be in your bed. Get it?

Don’t: Assume you need to be a great experimental lover.

Do: Assume that it’s back to basics.

Oh, aren’t you the fancy-schmancy lover boy? And so progressive too! You know all about the best vibrators on the market -- the ones that guarantee you’ll hit her G-spot -- and you’re totally up to speed on the newest warming gels that make winter lovemaking more comfortable. OK, I give you credit: Toys can be a great addition to your sex menu for many reasons, including the fact that sometimes it’s just fine for a vibrator to give you an extra hand.

What should you do if you’re interrupted by the kids and how should you handle contraception?

But don’t assume that your single-mom lover wants to get fancy from the get-go. Again, get a sense of where she’s coming from. Do you have the basics down pat? Have you kissed a lot? Are you able to tell each other what you like? And have you actually become friends? Toys require trust -- and you know darn well that you need to be friends before you can trust.

Don’t: Assume your sex won’t be “intercourse interruptus.”

Do: Assume that the children -- hers or yours -- come first.

You’re in the middle of getting some great oral sex. She likes you so much that she has really been taking her time with you and you’re almost there -- so close. But then Murphy’s Sex Law kicks in: Her cell phone, which she discreetly placed on your night table, rings. Your lover doesn’t hesitate to answer. Your penis is now fluttering in the wind, not at half-mast, but at no mast! Why? It’s the babysitter. Your lover’s son cut his finger and needs to go to the emergency room for a stitch or two. So what do you do? Do you show a nanosecond of angst or disappointment? Not on your life, my friend. Instead, you say, “Baby, that’s OK, I understand. Your son always comes first. I completely understand.”

Aside from the fact that it’s the right thing to say, there will be a huge payoff next time around. It’s likely to go something like this: “Now where were we? Oh yes, I remember now. I guess I’ll just have to make up for last time.” She’ll make your mast one that Russell Crowe in Master and Commander would be proud of.

Don’t: Assume she wants to be a single mom again.

Do: Assume you should have condoms.

I don’t think I need to explain anything here. I will, however, add this: It never hurts to have a medical document in your drawer that shows that your recent STD tests are immaculate. She’ll feel much more relaxed about what’s coming next and love you for being so responsible.

Don’t: Assume that single-parent sex needs to be serious.

Do: Assume that it can be a lot of fun and playful.

There’s something unique about the relationship that a single parent has with their child. It’s so focused and one-on-one simply because you’re often their only home-based playmate. The positive aspect of this is that your child has taught you one of life’s most important lessons: Life should be fun and it should be about “playing.” How many times have you asked your child, “What did you do today?” only to hear that one-word reply, ”Play.” Take their lesson to heart. As a single parent you know how important it is to play, so play with your sex life and have fun!

Get back in the game

Sex as a single parent can be stressful at first, but you'll get back into the swing of things in no time. Just remember to relax and enjoy yourself.

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How Guys Screw Up First Dates

How Guys Screw Up First Dates

I get a lot of guys who write in to ask me for dating advice on how to behave around women. Many of those questions focus on the first meeting or the first date.

I thought I'd devote one entire article to a concept that I feel is VITAL to understand if you're wondering how to behave around a woman you've just met.

A MISTAKE ALMOST EVERY GUY MAKES

I've noticed a KEY difference between the way men and women act when they meet a "potential mate".

Women usually act in a way that can be characterized like this:

"You're interesting to me. I'd like to get to know you better, and we can see where this goes."

Men usually act in a way that can be characterized like this:

"I am so interested in you that I'm nervous. In fact, I'm already thinking of you as a potential girlfriend or wife... or at least a one-night stand."

In other words, women are usually casual and laid-back when they're first meeting a guy...

But GUYS tend to act like every girl is a POTENTIAL WIFE.

As you can imagine, this creates a lot of tension and pressure.

And I'm not talking about the GOOD kind, either.

I'm talking about the kind that makes men shiver and shake with nervousness, and women feel uncomfortable because the MAN is acting uncomfortable.

I KNOW that you can relate to this in some way.


THE ANSWER

The simple dating advice here is...

DON'T DO IT.

If you start acting all freakish and nervous when you're talking to a woman, you're probably going to screw things up before they've even had a chance to get started.

Treating a woman that you've just met as if she very well could be the love of your life is something you should NEVER do.

Instead, take a very different approach.

My favorite is to ASSUME that every woman has SOMETHING that's going to annoy me, bother me, or SCREW UP HER CHANCES with me.

The MAIN reason that I do this...

SURPRISE...

IS THAT IT'S TRUE!

Duh.

The fact is that MOST women are NOT compatible "long term" with most men. In other words, there if you do get into a long-term relationship with a particular woman, the chances are that she's going to have things about her that you don't like.

One of my favorite Cocky & Funny themes to follow is "You're screwing up your chances with me".

Let's say I'm walking down the street with a girl to have a cup of tea. Let's assume that she and I just met the night before, I got her number, and now we're walking from my place to tea.

On the way in the door to the coffee shop, she trips over the doorway.

I might look at her, shake my head in an "overly dramatic fake annoyed" way, and say "This relationship just isn't going to work".

Then, let's say fifteen minutes later she spills her tea on the table and herself.

I'll shake my head again and say "What did I tell you about this kind of behavior?".

In other words, I'm communicating the very OPPOSITE of "You're a potential wife". I'm saying "I'm so comfortable around you that I can even make fun of you without caring what you think of me".

Does this sound a little crazy?

Good. It should.

But trust me.

If you spend a couple of hours having regular, normal conversation... being Cocky & Funny, enjoying yourself, NOT trying to impress her, and generally demonstrating that you could care less how things turn out, you'll be FAR more likely to take things further than if you act as if she might be the love of your life and you wind up acting so nervous, stilted, and DUMB that she runs away.

So here it is your bit of dating advice... one thing that most guys who are unsuccessful with women do that screws things up... one thing to AVOID:

DON'T TREAT A WOMAN YOU'VE JUST MET AS IF SHE'S A POTENTIAL FUTURE WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND.

Instead, lean back. Be cool. Make jokes about her screwing up her chances with you. Tell her that she's a nice friend. Assume that she has qualities that are going to annoy you, then point them out (in a Cocky & Funny way, of course).

Don't lose your composure. It can be fatal if you do.

Another bit of dating advice:

Most guys don't "get" women.

And, unfortunately, most guys look for tricks and "pick up lines" when it comes time to LEARN how to meet women.

They don't realize that all the tricks in the world aren't going to help them if they don't UNDERSTAND what's "going on".

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