The Only Way To End It:
"Sometimes it only takes a few dates to realize she’s not right for you, but those few dates mean you owe her some kind of gesture."Nobody likes being blown off. Over the course of my illustrious dating career, I have been broken up with, rejected before I could open my mouth and dismissed outright. You can’t expect to get out there and not take some hits -- they’re par for the course. I’m not here to lament those ego blows we take when we stick our necks out to meet someone new. I’m talking about the unexpected hits we take when we’ve met a woman, things are progressing and, suddenly, without warning, we’re checking to see if our phones are still working. There’s a brief period of denial followed by a numbing disbelief. Wasn’t it going well? What the hell happened?
I have a deep resentment for the unexplained-radio-silence move. For that reason, I do everything I can to be sensitive to women I decide not to pursue after the initial stage of courtship. Breaking up with someone after only a few dates is a little bit like firing someone you haven’t hired yet. It’s awkward, it feels almost unnecessary -- but it’s a situation that is virtually inevitable if you’re single. Sometimes it only takes a few dates to realize she’s not right for you, but those few dates mean you owe her some kind of gesture. I have been in many discussions with friends about what our responsibility is at this stage, and I always come back to a basic rule: Do unto others as you would have done to you. Silence is the easy way out, but it may come back to haunt you.
As always, passivity is the worst course of action. I have tested this theory a number of ways in my life: standing at the back of a line to a club hoping to get in (had a great night reading wall graffiti), ignoring a problem at work (spent weekends trying to repair the damage instead of waiting in line at clubs) and, of course, blowing off a young lady after a few dates by not returning calls or texts (confronted while in line at the club in front of others). We know there are ways to manage these situations, but we too often choose to sit back and hope for the best. This is called the path of least resistance.
You may think you’re strategically cutting your losses when you launch “operation ignore her existence,” but this swiftly changes when she decides to launch “operation not-so-fast-buddy.” By this point you have relinquished control and have no way of predicting the volatility that may follow. You have no way of knowing if she is going to decide to call you an asshole in front of your new date when you bump in to her again. All you had to do was grab the wheel, and you could have steered the ship into calmer waters.
I found myself on a fourth date some years back. Each night out was an escalation of things, both sexually and, to a certain extent, in terms of our personal connection. But I was checked out. She was great, but I wasn’t looking for someone to introduce to my mother. True, maybe I could have let this nugget of information slip before we landed on my futon on that last date, but I was curious to see if the sexual chemistry would change the dynamic and maybe increase my level of interest. Also, I wanted to have sex. We did. It didn’t.
Many male friends suggested I slink quietly into the background and do what many refer to as the “slow fade-out.” But then it occurred to me that I would really hate if that was done to me. Actually, it occurred to me that it had happened to me in the not too distant past, and it had left me reeling. So when I was confronted with the shoe being on the other foot, I decided to go against the grain of my male posse and take an original approach.
Much like you would never burn a bridge with a client, it is never worthwhile to leave a woman with a poor opinion of you. The world is a small place, and we never know where mishandling a relationship can come back and bite us. Reputation is a powerful thing, and given how easily people can get in touch via social media, it can precede you more easily than ever. If your particular reputation starts involving numerous incidents of abandonment without explanation, you’re in for some awkward conversations. Believe it.
The flip side to this is that a good reputation can start having some real positive effects on your dating life. If it didn’t work with the girl you met at that party, but you ended things with class and a dose of respect, that same girl may know other girls you are interested in pursuing. Now when she is asked about you, much as she may want to hang you out to dry, she’ll probably admit you’re a stand-up guy. “Sure, he ended it, but he wasn’t a jerk about it. Maybe you guys will be a better fit” is much better than, “He’s an asshole. He just completely blew me off.” People talk, and if you travel in a relatively small social circle, it is important to manage these awkward endings with as much decency as possible.
It’s worth mentioning before I sign off that I’m talking specifically about relationships that haven’t turned serious yet. Breaking up from a committed relationship obviously requires a different approach. But making an exit before things get serious can only be handled one way. You need to be straightforward. You need to make it clear that you are happy to have tried, but are moving on. At the very least, she will have to respect that, and, at most, she will speak highly of you for doing so. Everyone deserves closure. Think of it as a favor to your future self.
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