Icebreakers...

Icebreakers...

Today I received the following question via e-mail:

"I was wondering if you can suggest some icebreakers or opening lines to initiate conversations with? You know, something comfortable that girls will smile at and want to keep the conversation going instead of us constantly talking." 

 

 

Breaking that ice like a pro

Now, this is a pretty good -- and important -- question. And my answer is: This all depends on where you find yourself and what you see the girl doing.

Sorry if you were looking for a guaranteed line that works in every situation with every woman, but the real truth is this:

Knowing what to say to a woman is utterly and totally dependent on what you can observe about that woman. It's not so much a matter of what to say.

No, the real secret of opening women up is knowing what to observe, knowing what to notice and knowing what to get curious about.

Now, this is good news. Especially good news for those of us who aren't flashy conversationalists, super bold or super witty.

Why?

Because it's your curiosity and what you observe about her, uniquely, that will provide exactly what you need to say.

Apply these techniques everywhere

The other issue is context: Where are you meeting her and who else is around?

You see, the approach to opening her up might differ a bit if she is at a coffee house, quietly studying, as opposed to in a loud restaurant or party, right? Why?

Because the context she is in and what you notice about her are going to be different.

If she's studying and you notice that she's having a hard time (she's talking to herself out loud or just seems to be thinking out loud in her head), it would not make sense to walk up and ask her opinion about the great band that is playing or where she bought her cool bicycle.

So, I will say it again.

The most important thing, first and foremost, is not what you say, but the context she is in, and what you can observe about her and the setting she is in.

A word on compliments

Now, many guys ask me about compliments. Should I give them? Is it a good way to first "open up" talking to a woman? If so, what should I compliment?

Okay. I'll repeat: It depends on the context, where she is, what she is doing, and what you notice and can observe.

Now, let's say I notice something about her that I do find worth complimenting. My rules for complimenting are as follows:

Check out the two big rules on giving compliments:

1. No sexual content in the compliments. That means I don't compliment her on her great breasts, great legs or great butt. No woman (read: no halfway sane woman) wants a drooling lecher.

2. All compliments are to be delivered with good eye contact (in fact, any openers are delivered this way), with a smile on my face and in my eyes (I sort of make them twinkle a bit), and delivered with a "matter-of-fact" voice tone.

This means I don't overdo it with my tone of voice. The compliment is delivered as a matter of fact, with no concern on my part about whether she will accept it, reject it or anything in between.

By being "matter of fact" and okay with it, no matter how she first responds, I'm sending an unspoken and also very attractive message about how I feel about myself and how I move through the world; that I take responsibility for how I am going to feel about myself, my situation and the events and people in my world.

Now, trust me. When you come from that place, and add in a touch of humor....

... Almost anything you say will get a good response.

Okay. Back to compliments then. Generally speaking, I will limit my compliments to:

1. How they carry themselves or how they move. I enjoy a woman who moves beautifully or who has great posture. I will tell them so, as follows: "I just wanted to tell you... I think you have perfect... posture. You just carry yourself beautifully."

2. How they are dressed. I like to compliment on style. So I will say: "I just wanted to tell you... I admire women with class and style, so I had to say 'Hi.'"

A little note here: This is what I call the "implied" compliment. Notice I didn't directly say I thought she had class and style. I said I admire women who have it. That means she has to actively interpret it as applying to her, using her own imagination.

Remember the No. 1 rule in Speed Seduction: Always use your language to capture and lead a woman's imagination, and her emotions (and desire!) will follow.

3. I will compliment them on their "energy." I know this is a New Age, California kind of thing, but women are into "energy" and "vibes." It doesn't matter if you believe in it or not -- although I hope one day you will.

The important thing is, most women believe in it.

So if I notice that a woman has a calm, radiant, happy demeanor, I will say: "I just wanted to tell you... I think you have a beautiful energy about you, and it just made me have to say 'Hi.' I'm..."

I could go on about this, but remember the most important things: What you can observe about her and what you can get curious about will always supply you with the best things to say, far more than any canned line. And how you deliver what you say sends a supremely powerful message about how you feel about yourself, which in turn supercharges the actual power of the words.